Epicness

In honor of the ides of March, and the Sharks playing division rival Ducks, I have adapted Marc Antony’s famous “Friends, Romans, Countrymen” speech for the Sharks. The rhythm is off and I completely ignored the slightly mocking tone that Shakespeare gives Antony, but I think it still works out pretty well.

And yes, I do realize how pathetic this is. 

Friends, Sharks, hockey fans, lend me your ears;
I come to shoot the puck, not to pass it.
The elbows that Pronger throw live after him;
The good is pretty much non-existent;
So let us boo him forever. The douche Pronger
Has told you that it was simply physics:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And Shelley will go crazy on his ass.
Here, with the first line in a slump -
Though Thornton is an amazing player;
So are they all, all amazing players -
Come I to speak about how they need to pick it up.
They were kicking ass and taking names:
But Thornton has but 1 assist in the last 10 games;
And Setoguchi has not scored in 8.
A beat-down of the Ducks shall suffice tonight
As they are the most hated of rivals:
Will this get them out of their slump?
When that the Ducks have shot, Nabokov have saved:
The game last time they got shut out:
Because Nabokov says “no goal for you”;
And Nabokov is an absolute beast.
You all did see that hit by Festerling
That dislocated Roenick’s shoulder,
With no call: why must JR be injured again?
Yet the Ducks are not in the playoffs;
And, I’m sure, they do pretty much suck. 
I speak not to disprove of this fact,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
Moen has been accepted here, not without cause:
A shorthanded goal, and in his second game?
Awesome! the third line got much better,
And can have more ice time. Bear with me;
The Sharks need to destroy these water fowl,
And I must have Duck stew in the morning.

5,200 miles

Because I'm lame, and because I finally got my 10-year-old laptop to (somewhat) work, I decided to do a post-game wrap-up. I fully expect Kendra Satan to make fun of me.

Tonights game was the battle of the streaks - the Rangers with their 3-game winning streak, 6-game win streak against the Sharks (4-20-1 all-time), and the Sharks 2-game losing streak versus the Sharks' inability to lose in regulation at home. They (the Rangers, that is) didn't have a chance.

Boyle and Clowe, the two leading power play scorers on the Sharks, net a pair of goals within 25 seconds. Fans sigh in relief that no matter what, it won't just be a redux of the game-that-shall-not-be-named.

ANNNDDDD turnover. Leads to Rangers goal by Zherdev through Nabby's five-hole. Boyle was responsible, but I forgive him since he did score earlier. And because he's awesome. Thank you, Tampa Bay.

Oh captain, my captain - Marleau scores in the second period to once again extend the lead by two. Okay, seriously? Not trading Marleau has paid off dividends for the team; he currently leads the team with goals, points, short-handed goals, game-winning goals, and is second in both +/- and shot percentage. Oh, and the following video always cheers me up without fail:



Callahan scores for the Rangers, which ends up being the last goal scored of the night. And this is despite the Sharks playing like they were on a perpetual penalty kill the entire third period. Nabby redeemed himself after the game-that-shall-not-be-named, stopping 32 out of 34 shots.

Reason for the title? As was mentioned multiple times throughout the broadcast, the Sharks just came off a 5,200 mile road trip that lasted over the past week.


Okay, and I gotta admit, I did lie about the whole "Mario Lemieux is my favorite player" thing. That's all Satan. I throw my support behind Torrey Mitchell. And Patrick Marleau, if you want my favorite player in terms of skill. But I didn't lie about the stock market - as soon as I get enough evidence, I'll prove to you all that she is the one responsible!

And anyone who doesn't agree with me is a fucktard tool douchebag loser.*




*That statement may or may not be plagiarized